Should You Leave This question frequently comes up in the course of the work we do, of course. While one might suppose that it’s the client’s spouse who’s asking the question, it’s more frequently the drinker who’s actually wondering. How can that be? It turns out that it’s common for alcohol abuse to provide a couple of benefits when the drinker is married, or coupled with a controlling, abusive, demeaning, or otherwise disturbed and/or disturbing spouse.
Sometimes Others Say Things Better Than We Can. We are, after all, a very small, effective, low profile, practice here in southern California. It’s just Mary Ellen and me (and Scruffy), along with our medical consultant, Physician Tim Norcross, D.O. Despite that, through a series of coincidences over the past 4 years, we ended up in the Wall Street Journal and with a personal interview by the London Times. Hard to believe.
But What if You’re Not an “Alcoholic”? Looking back over all of the clients we have seen over the years, one thing we note is that most have not been alcohol dependent “alcoholics”. Instead, most have been abusing alcohol as a symptom of other unresolved problems. Yet about 98% of treatment programs, especially those adhering to the AA/12 Step model, don’t even bother to differentiate. To them there are only two categories: “alcoholics” and “alcoholics in denial”.
Productive or Self-Destructive? Many of you, perhaps most, are like us in that we have two basic “gears” – you’re either being productive or you tend to get self-destructive. Unlike most folks, you don’t have a lot of interest in going through life on “cruise-control.” That’s pretty common with bright, creative, sensitive, and successful people.
Self-Destructive? Perhaps, But That’s Not Necessarily Bad. Those of us who have developed alcohol-related problems may also have an attraction to high-risk behaviors – and people. That is a genetic predisposition, one of several factors that can lead to developing alcohol problems. Others may also include a high tolerance for alcohol, resistance to hangovers, liking the taste.
“All Alcoholics Are Liars!” We hear variations on the universal theme all the time, of course. The AA twist on this is that, if you have a problem with alcohol, then you are either “an admittedly powerless alcoholic or you are (a liar) in denial!” This bit of nonsense suits the 12 step treatment industry since it absolves them from any responsibility for determining exactly where someone falls on the “alcohol abuse/alcohol dependent” spectrum.
Spouses, Sabotage, and Success A major factor in your success can be having a supportive spouse – but, strange as it seems given the amount of complaining they’ve done about your drinking, many spouses find themselves sabotaging your efforts instead. What’s going on here?
Leaving AA A while ago a client sat across the table from us and said, somewhat suspiciously, "You don't do 12 Steps, you do 3! Get a grip. Get a life. Get outta here." She was pretty much right.
Doing Stuff Not long after we opened our practice a dozen years ago, we noted that the “cure” for misusing alcohol was “doing stuff.” That isn’t quite as simplistic as it sounds but as hundreds of successful clients have noted, that’s what it almost always comes down to. Yes there are differing sorts of stuff to do. Ruminating, the endless mulling over of things may seem like doing something but, as most women can attest, is really a way of avoiding doing anything about the conditions being self-medicated, including the depression that results.
Leaving AA Oddly, whether you’ve ever attended an AA meeting or not, fixing your misuse of alcohol means "leaving AA." How can that be? AA and the 12 Step mythology, and the rehab industry they have spawned, have become so ingrained in our country – and others – that we have all unconsciously absorbed all of the "Emperor’s New Clothes" illusions that block many of us from getting real help.